• Do you feel you and your partner don’t have the same sexual desires?
• Do you have sexual fantasies you are afraid to share with your partner because they will judge or shame you?
• Are you acting out unwanted sexual behaviors just to please your partner?
• Are you finding your relationships consistently are failing and you can’t figure out why?

When we are people pleasing, judging ourselves, or afraid to express our full sexual desires, we aren’t living in sexual integrity. This is the place to start.

What is sexual integrity and why is it important in a relationship?

We all understand integrity – when our behaviors coincide with our values, words and beliefs. Sexual integrity is no different – it should match our values, our words and our beliefs, however, that often does not happen. Our struggle often is that expressing ourselves fully sexually can seem unsafe. We may want to  please our partner in the bedroom and uphold masculine stereotypes that have become toxic, and our sexual integrity is neglected or forgotten or maybe not even understood.

When was the last time you thought about the type of person you wanted to show up as in the bedroom? Sexual identity is unique to each individual; it is not doing what your partner wants. This is where the conflict begins and where dissension and difficulties grow and fester in the relationship. Our values and our beliefs have disappeared. How can any relationship be successful without sexual integrity?

Men, in particular, want to please their partner.  They deny their own sexual integrity because they worry about risking their vulnerability, being the type of lover society conditions us to be and about being shamed or guilted. Sometimes, they do things they know (or may not know) are not right or not the best way, but they feel stuck, trapped and powerless to make changes because they don’t understand what they are doing wrong. They are confused. They don’t know how to “show up” sexually. Sometimes, they feel they are wearing a mask; they are following a stereotype of how they think their partner wants and needs them to be. They have divorced themselves from who they want to be.

While all of this turmoil is occurring, the relationship is unraveling.

The question to ask is, “what is your personal version of you and what you want?” Defining and living a life of sexual integrity can come with many challenges and struggles for couples.

How can couples change this vicious circle?

Here are a few suggestions to start the process:

1. Examine your values, especially involving sex (eg, casual sex, cybersex, masturbation, sex toys, anal and oral sex). This may help you become more aware of your true sexual integrity and resolve conflicts with your partner.
2. Take a hard look at your beliefs about the “right kind of sex.”
3. Learn to identify your true desires, not the desires you think your partner wants you to have. Studies show that more than 90 percent of people never share their sexual desires or fantasies with anyone because they fear shame and rejection. That is why sexual integrity is such an important issue when it comes to strengthening relationships. Our needs and desires are in constant conflict. True sexual identity involves acceptance – not only from your partner, but more importantly, from you.
4. Identify your principles for sexual integrity, not the model you follow because you think it is what your partner wants.
5. Start working on behavior change. This takes practice and time. Start with self-awareness and mindfulness. Try to stop your autopilot way of thinking and stay in the moment.

We hope you enjoyed this article. Do book a free 15 min consult with us to get support on improving your personal relationships!

For relationship counseling and/ or sexuality counseling, do contact us here.